What planet are you from?
My wife and I are very different types of people. For years we got along together and basically liked one another, but there were always differences in viewpoint that we could never quite get over. For example, I could never work out why my wife complained a lot about the way the kitchen looked - there were elements of the makeshift, but everything worked. On the other hand, I used to complain to her about putting up with the tone of voice our elder daughter used to her sometimes. My wife would respond to the content of what was said - but couldn't she hear the aggression in tone and take issue with it?
Then one day I came across a website that literally changed my life. It was Dr. Tracy's Love Advice column Boy, can this woman write! The page that really changed my life was about our Inner Languages.
As soon as I had read this, it became clear to me that my wife is primarily visual, whereas I am audio-tactile. Suddenly things seemed to fall into place and I had a better understanding of areas where each of us regarded the other as somehat 'blocked'. Now I have to say that up to now I had never bothered much with my looks, because I felt good inside, and couldn't imagine her not seeing that. My scruffy appearance, which seemed cuddly to me when I looked in the mirror, was viewed by her in the same way that I would experience people singing out of tune. So I started taking more pride in my appearance, which for me meant getting regular haircuts, losing the beard and buying some new clothes. Of course I have to admit this took about 10 years off me, but that can't be helped. Taking more notice of the visual element meant that I also began to realize why our living in a house with a functional but tatty kitchen had been such a big thing for her in the past.
The kitchen issue had seemed superficial to me. Yet I won't bother listening to music if it's not played on decent equipment. While she hardly notices the difference, clarity of tone is everything to me. So if I wear clothes that she thinks don't suit me, I guess it's like shouting discordantly into her ear.
If you realise there is a language barrier of a similar type in your marriage, this knowledge could provide a huge leap forward in understanding your spouse. Acting on this, you can make improvements without needing the other person to be 'on board', agreeing with your ideas. I instantly saw where I was going wrong and started changing my behaviour. I am still not very good at visuals however; it does not come naturally to me and I have to think about it. I can appreciate a visual scene when it's good, but I don't know how to put one together. I like my wife's taste most of the time, so I take her clothes shopping with me - after all she has to live with the results.
© MT
