Are You Out Of Sync?
Sometimes in a relationship, one partner will feel a certain behaviour is lacking in the other, and will repeatedly ask for improvements to be made. After a very long time, the other partner will start responding, with something approaching the behaviour that was requested. By this point the original complainer is so fed up that he or she decides it's 'too little too late'. So the now the 'deficient one' feels confused.
Following on from this, the partner who asked for the behavioural change can take a long time to quit the habit of moaning and appreciate that change. When this happens, the other can continue to feel judged as they sense that their efforts have made no difference. Eventually the one who demanded the change starts to communicate their satisfaction but by now the other feels rejected and returns to pre-change behaviour.
Now that they are seen as deficient once more, the whole process is ready to start again, and go round in an endless loop. I call this being out of sync. Both partners want the same thing, but apparently not at the same time. One of the reasons that the new behaviour was not appreciated by the requester is due to resentment. Thoughts like: "If he can do it now, why did he make me wait 5 years?" tend to arise. This resentment can become bigger than the original perceived lack.
Under the surface, there is a cycle of emotions on both sides. The trick to breaking out of this cycle is for one of the co-conspirators to realize it is happening. If you can spot this pattern in your relationship, you can choose to rein it in before it goes round again. You will have to honour the other person, and not expect them to play ball immediately.
Sometimes getting back in sync is just a matter of waiting. So if you have requested a certain activity or behaviour from your partner, when you finally see them do it, thank them sincerely, and get on with enjoying the fruits of your nagging.
If, however, you were the one being nagged, then it is just a matter of keeping up with the demonstration of the requested behaviour, even if you are rejected for a while. Or wait for the rejection to diminish, but don't get into the feeling of "I'm being rejected".
In a relationship where multiple instances of this "out of sync" behaviour are present, (and perhaps on both sides), the wall of resentment that it gives rise to is huge. Yet it is no-one's fault. It's due to lack of awareness, nothing more.
© MT
